i walk down the lane.... it is dark.. i am not sure
where i am going.. no one has told me where to go...
but i move on.. i have to move on.. i do not have the
luxury to stop.. occasionally, i can take a break for
a puff or two.. but i cannot stop.. a carcass lies
nearby.. he did not walk.. so the roads started
moving.. and every time he stood up, he used to fall
down backwards - just as the law of inertia told us..
and when he got tired of falling, he just lay still on
the road.. and the roads started taking him along in
their motion forward.. but there were cars that wanted
to move faster than the roads - they crushed him ...
mercilessly ... again and again.. thus the carcass.
... the setting changes.. just like a revolving stage
in a theatre.. the lights blow out and in a flash, the
carcass is replaced by a shopping mall.. the lights
come back again.. the radiance and the blaze is
irritating.. my eyes cannot adjust so quickly.. yet, I
move on... my wife is standing there, waiting for me..
I go inside, holding her hand.. the next hour is spent
in buying many things.. i am not sure i need what i
have brought.. but i buy them anyway.. then things are
consumed for the body.. all senses have their fill..
once outside, the setting is restored.. dark alleys..
all alone.. i look back.. there are images .. many
many images.. images that hold history.. the checkered
past.. it seems only yesterday .. leaving college..
getting the first job .. or even earlier.. the fights
for getting into the dream college .. or even
earlier.. or even later.. many incidents of recent
past are lost.. yet many of much distant past are as
fresh as if they happened yesterday.. many questions
are answered.. many asked.. many revisited.
a car stops by.. i get inside.. she seems to have a
familiar face.. but i cannot recall her name.. is it
important.. it will be a one-night stand.. or a
one-lift stand.. we do not exchange any words.. the
music plays loud, submerging the silence in its
melody.. i like it that way.. loud, very loud music,
yet melodious.. my body reacts wildly.. the thoughts
are stirring rapidly.. like a potpourri.. for a
moment, I am the universe.. or the ether that fills
all space above the realms of vision... the feeling is
phenomenal.. gazing into the empty sky.. seeking
reasons.. seeking nothing.. just staring.. the
shooting stars and the speckled moon..
the flights of fantasy are broken with the honking of
horns.. there is a traffic jam ahead.. it is time to
say good-bye to her.. but i do not bother with the
words.. no words to start with.. no words to end.. to
each his own..
i get down and get into a bar.. lots of friends are
waiting inside.. music has turned into noise..
intimacy into encroachment.. soberness into
self-indulgence.. there is no yesterday.. there is no
tomorrow.. no images to haunt you.. there are murmurs
from the deepest corners of the mind.. the reasons are
sought.. but i do not want to ask.. i do not want to
answer.. i want temporary respite from the agile mind
- like switching off the car's engine.. and want to
enjoy getting inebriated..
our group is an eclectic mix.. blend of thoughts and
reasons... blend of conformity towards social norms..
some are alone.. some are married.. some are married
and alone.. some not married and not alone..
i chat with my friends.. and share the trials and
tribulations of life.. they share theirs.. some are
voyeurs.. they just sit and listen.. I smoke a
cigarette.. the warnings on the cigarette box have
become larger.. quite blatant - 'smoking kills'... but
i am immune.. to the warnings of course.. to the
cigarettes only time will tell.. have started smoking
more frequently.. So I have another cigarette.... and
then another.. interspersed with a bottle of lager or
two.. soon the bar will close .. and we will start
walking.. walking on our chosen lanes..
there is the desire to have another get together.. on
white sea-beaches... on a nice cosy afternoon... but
the thought is a chimera.. something to chew upon.. it
will happen by accident.. just like it happened
today.. and just like it may happen tomorrow or may be
day after..
i leave the bar.. my mind is inundated with myriad
thoughts again.. of right and wrong.. of
self-beliefs.. of self-delusion.. the definitions keep
on changing.. and I seek the question: who am i.. what
do i want.. but the roads have started moving, and if
i do not catch up, i too will fall and then... like
the carcass...
soon there is a whirlpool.. of events.. and the whole
world spins around me.. rapidly.. people moving around
me.. calling my name .. or shouting.. the carcass
floating around.. And I am the vortex.. noise, lights
and many other things.. floating around me.. as though
a still photo taken on a busy intersection.. i blink
my eye..
When I open it again, everything is gone.. I have gone
through a time warp.. i am in my office, doing some
work.. i am contemplating a change.. seeking a new
profession.. something creative.. my wife calls me on
my mobile.. my son has broken his leg.. playing
football.. i call it a day and am on the roads again..
on my chosen lane.. I cross the road.. through a zebra
crossing.. the other side leads me to a different
place.. i look back, and see my wife and my child
(with the broken leg) calling me back.. but it is a
one way crossing.. i cannot return.. i move ahead,
with the expectation of finding them again.. hopefully
soon...
soon i am surrounded by shops.. i gaze through the
windows.. cameras, televisions and many others
material comforts.. i lean on a window.. my hand
automatically passes through a glass window.. just
like the magic i saw the other day on TV.. where the
magician puts his hand through a showroom glass window
and plucks a diamond ring.. my hand too searches for
something.. there is this audio system.. frivoulously,
i press a button.. and life moves in the fast forward
lane.. i am static.. but the world around me changes..
moves and moves.. i shout.. but there is no stopping
it.. new images move through.. of my grown up
children.. and dead wife.. and even deader parents..
but my grand mother survives.. no one to look after..
it seems like a movie.. and i am eating popcorn. soon
the movie ends and the button too is released.. I pull
my hand out.. the showroom is no more there.. it is
replaced by a high rise.. I try to see its top.. but i
cannot.. it is too high..
there is nothing to do.. i walk down the lane.... it
is dark.. i am not sure where i am going.. my steps
have suddenly become slow.. i see young boys and girls
whiz past me... i am slow.. but i move on.. i have to
move on.. i do not have the luxury to stop.. but i
stop .. the mirror reflects a haggard... I take out my
cigarette... it is the last in the pack.. and there is
no money to buy another.. I sit down and catch some
breath.. and then light my cigarette.. the body is
tiring.. but i smoke.. may be the last one.. the smoke
slowly ascends.. in the form of rings.. like the
competition we had in colleges.. how many rings we
could make with just one puff.. i was the champion..
not just in rings, but in many other things.. was a
looser too in many.. and indifferent too.. then.. And
now: now it did not matter.. I am happy.. i tried..
but does it matter now?..
now the rings ascend.. many many rings.. but there is
no competition.. there is no audience.. a long journey
where different people left my company at different
times.. my wife died yesterday.. or last year.. I am
not sure.. she is dead and that is all that matters..
my eternal soul mate.. she was dutiful.. and very
caring.. I miss her.. may be all the more now..
the smoke continue their ascent.. and when the last
traces of smoke have ascended, the road starts moving
again.. and a motionless body moves along with it..
moves down the chosen lane.... moves down the chosen
lane....
Chachu 24/8/2004
