Chance encounter at the hospital
“He” met her for the first time at the radiology department of the hospital. “He” was waiting for “his” turn while she for hers. Her face was badly bruised and smashed. She had met with an accident while on her way back from college hostel to her home. The car had hit a stationary truck and her face got smashed by the windshield. While her rest of the body was unaffected, there were many broken bones in her face that needed to be mended – possibly a jaw replacement, and multiple plastic surgery. For past many weeks, she was not allowed to see her face. Her mother and her sister were standing alongside – calm, composed and exuding tremendous charm and poise. It was difficult for “him” to comprehend how the mother-sister duo had maintained their demeanor at the grotesque condition of the girl. But that was what it was!
May be the questions did not matter –
“Why (with her)?”
“What if (she had not travelled that day)?”
All that mattered was that the girl needed attention and the mother and the sister had a role to play – their personal griefs, sorrows, and pain notwithstanding!
“His” sorrow too paled in front of the sufferings of the girl. He wished good luck to the mother and moved forward for his test!
And in his next visit within few days, “he” saw the mother and sister again at the hospital entrance.
And within few days, “he” saw them again.
In a hospital teeming with thousands of patients, were these chance encounters with the two ladies some sort of message from the almighty! If yes, what was the message and why “he” met them again and again and again?
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Enter the Demon
The first set of demons – the corporal demons – attacked “his” body – slowly devouring “him” cell by cell. The entry of these demons was largely inconspicuous – or so “he” thought. There were small hints and innuendoes of the entry – like loss of few kilograms at the weighing scale at the upscale Gym over “his” long term average – but these largely went unnoticed. Rather they were taken as windfall fat loss without much fuss.
Then there were demons of the mind – the psychical demon that made the entry much later – when the corporal demons had already made a stronghold in the body. But as time traversed, these psychic demons become completely overpowering and overbearing.
The first visible sign of demons appeared with a very sharp pain. Pain that lasted for few seconds and then disappeared. And then On and Off. On and Off. And then doctor visits started – tests, medicines, and more medicines. And diagnosis – and possibly poor diagnosis like hyper-metabolism. One mid night, when “he” woke up, it felt as if many bones of the body had been broken – but possibly there were none - SoS calls to the doctor did not provide much relief - only medicines. When enough medicines had been had, and the realization dawned upon “him” that “his” treatment was going nowhere, a comprehensive health check was conducted. And another visit to a decrepit hospital with a quirky old doc revealed it all. The demons – the corporal demons had been found – it was time to fight these. But little did “he” know that the actual fight was to be fought much later with the demons of the mind.
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A real death and a presumed death
It is believed that if one persisted with a given thought, then that thought would become true. And “he” started thinking that he was suffering from cancer. It was a recurring thought in an infinite loop:
there is a thought,
and that is a dominant thought
and since it is omni-present,
it ought to be true.
So “he” thought he was having cancer and he would possibly die soon.
But “he” neither had cancer nor was he going to die anytime soon. It was Randy Pausch!
Randy said in The Last Lecture, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.
And who was Randy Pausch? He was an American professor of computer science, human–computer interaction, and design at Carnegie Mellon University (CMU). Pausch learned that he had pancreatic cancer in September 2006, and in August 2007 he was given a terminal diagnosis: "3 to 6 months of good health left". He gave an upbeat lecture titled "The Last Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams" on September 18, 2007, at Carnegie Mellon, which became a popular YouTube video and led to other media appearances. He then co-authored a book called The Last Lecture on the same theme, which became a New York Times best-seller. Pausch died of complications from pancreatic cancer on July 25, 2008.
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Sleep
Sleep is an innocuous process – but only as long as it exists in our lives. But if it gets offended, then it can be the simplest path to hell. May be it is like other simple things in life including Air and Water. The very existence of these are taken for granted – but the importance is unraveled only when they are deprived.
The corporal demons took away half of “his” sleep – and the psychical demons took away the other half. And what was left was a man who would not sleep whole night, get up being drowsy and comatose, try unsuccessfully during the day to get some sleep, wait for night to fall so that he could sleep, only to find another night gone miserably in search of sleep.
There were times when he used to try to sleep – and try to remember what sleep was like – trying to sense it through his five senses. But it was elusive.
They say that one could sleep peacefully only if the worries are taken out of our minds and kept aside our pillows. May be that is why children sleep so easily, quickly, and peacefully. Their minds are devoid of thoughts that bother sleep. But adults are not so lucky!
When natural process of sleep had failed, “induced” sleep was attempted. The first one could only give “him” 3-4 hours of sleep.
And on one night, one “dark” night, “his” mind mocked “him” that he would not sleep the whole night because his mind had thought so. And when the sleep was induced and the night traversed, there was no sign of any sleep. The demons of mind had been victorious and his regular dose of 3-4 hours of sleep – or for that matter, even a minute of sleep – was completely deprived.
And then more medicines were tried. It was assumed that an agitated mind was root cause of sleep disorder – so psychic activity was curbed. But that gave only sporadic and inconsistent results. And yet more medicines were found – some for schizophrenics (given in small doses for sleep) – some for anxiety – and so on…. with varied outcomes!
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Yoga Nidra
It is believed that when Gods give us a problem, it also keeps a solution hidden somewhere close by. And it is up to us to find solutions to the problems we face. One may always argue that why we face problems in our lives at the very first place. But that is a topic that may require an eternity to answer.
Restricting to the solution, again Randy writes beautifully, “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough.”
Possibly, the difference between winners and losers, success and failures, problems and solutions, is the brick wall – one who can climb over it can get the answer. For those facing the wall, it remains an unsurmountable problem.
So when “he” realized that there had to be a solution to “his” sleep issue apart from meds administered to schizophrenics, he found an answer in Yoga Nidra.
Now Yoga Nidra or yogic sleep is a state of consciousness between waking and sleeping, like the "going-to-sleep" stage. It is a state in which the body is completely relaxed, and the practitioner becomes systematically and increasingly aware of the inner world by following a set of verbal instructions.
While the Yoga Nidra technique was not the instant Maggi solution for the sleep issues, over a period of time, along with few other baby steps, the issue was slowly but surely addressed.
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Anxiety and Fear
A tragic or a disturbing event in our lives is generally associated with grief, sorrow, sadness or frustration.
But what about “anxiety”? Possibly, it is based on some hypothesis that is not proven to be true. It is an assumption – possibly erroneous – about conceivable course of events. There may or may not be a “basis” – it may be completely a figment of one’s imagination – or may be based on events that are biased towards certain outcomes.
Whatever the case, they are either true – in which case, they don’t leave persons anxious any more (just sad) – or they are untrue – in which case, they are mere fears!
It may be conjectured that people adopt more easily to pain & grief vis-Ã -vis anxiety and fears. It is easier to analyse and explain what had happened or what is surely going to happen, than some unknown and inexplicable “fear”.
But the pertinent question was “fear from what”? If it was death, then it was an inevitable outcome. As Death was guaranteed in our life. Or was it fear from a slow, agonizing and painful death?
Whatever the root cause, it was clear “he” was “fearful and anxious”. There were demons whose presence were medically explained but not 100% guaranteed. So he could easily and wrongly assume that he had cancer and his death was quite near. And there were demons whose progeny was in the fears that freely caressed his mind.
When a bone is broken, there is plaster to keep it immobile. But when a human psyche is overpowered, how do we tame it and make it docile? There are medicines of the body – but what about the mind? How do we tame a never-ending deluge of thoughts flooding the mind that seem to burst the cranium that holds it?
As Great Buddha had told, “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.”
How could our thoughts be bounded?
How could we ensure positivity in life? How could we develop optimism in difficult conditions?
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About Books and More Books
While “his” mind wavered from one wave to another, in search for an island where “he” could rest and relax, he found his solace in the books – books that had been acquired in the past and those that were acquired afresh.
There were all sorts of books at “his” disposal.
Books that suggested that pain and suffering were inevitable parts of our life – and the anxiety or fear was mere inability to accept this fact.
Or books that suggested that solutions to our biggest dreams lay very close to us but it could take an eternity to find it.
Or books that talked about a girl with failed suicide attempt transforming into someone with deep passion for love and life.
Or books that hinted how a certain death due to critical illness could provide an opportunity of life condensed into months.
Or books that glorified the power of thinking and thoughts!
And there were books and books and books!
And he read and he read and he read!
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Dreams, Goals and Charms
During the darkest hours of “his” life, there was a firm belief that after the night ends, there shall be bright sun-shine that shall kill all the demons that were making hay during the previous night. But during the long and seemingly eternal night, the end was nowhere near – and the pain and suffering was inexorable to bear.
And then there were days when his investments soared and he felt more miserable as the additional money could provide him no succor from his pain and fear. During the worst days, he could have easily traded all or most of his wealth for health. But such trade was not feasible. And when “he” slowly regained his health, the offer was promptly expired and the craving for wealth was promptly restored.
Just before the demons had entered his body, he had started feeling that his life was a mere routine – going to work, coming back – doing house hold work – serving his family and satisfying their expectations - spending on corporal and material desires – raising huge credit card bills – wait for salary to pay the bills and EMI. And this loop continued.
The entry of the demons allowed “him” to get out of the rat race – race for money, power or glory. He had no choice. He was now out of the race, witnessing others of his brethren. Witnessing “his” journey of life in slow motion – what went right – what went wrong – and needed fine tuning.
As the demons attacked him, he had to create his own defense. There were various line of support – there was “his” family, bearing his idiosyncrasies – his yogic exercise and the books to soothe “his” mind.
And then there were his dreams – dreams that were buried in mind that needed bit of dusting.
It was not exaggeration to say that dreams had magical properties. They can kill any fear or anxiety. They can kill the nastiest of the psychical demons. And they can subdue the most horrendous corporal demon.
And as new dreams, charms and muses entered “his” life, the demons made slow exit. Clock had turned and a new horizon beckoned him. And he was ready for new challenges, new goals, new joys, and some new failures, pains and sorrows – and some new DEMONS too!!
Chachu,
8th Jan, 2017
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Edited Comments on Chachu's Column #44: Of Cash, Less-cash and Cash-less Society
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